I write anything which is a reflection of my mind state at the time. Currently my mind is filled with Twilight, True Blood, Dexter, my jack being shot and the movie precious… all dark and morbid…

Just as Michael Jackson considered his backup dancers to be extensions of his being, extensions of the man himself – not coming as individual beings but more an offering of their physicality towards being melted down to to become something else entirely – each individual being deconstructed just to be built back up to be molded to form a part of a new creative whole – just so my words are like tentacles – each word, each sentence, each thought coming and crawling in from different sources for my brain to mold and mash to become part of a  new entity – a new creative whole. 

I must write to live and I live to write.

I am afraid of being questioned. I feel threatened and defensive because I do not mind people not explaining themselves to me and I leave them alone so I like to be left alone but not in the cranky hermit way but more in the understanding, you need your space kind of way.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of sharing my life – of having someone experience the cranky morning person the person who likes to sleep in on Saturday mornings, the reality show loving, eat late at night loving, internet blogging person who may not have matching underwear and who tends to curse when pissed and likes to be held sometimes with minimum talking and likes to be talked to sometimes with minimum hugging who likes to be watched but not peeped at who does not mind being looked at but hates being stared at and whose body is sometimes work hard from disciplined gym workouts and whose body can sometimes be soft and meaty from slacking off sometimes I look really hot and put together and like a knockout and sometimes i go out like out at night with jeans and flats and my glasses on and i am one of those women who has still not really found out what really attracts guys when she is wearing what but i know what makes me look cute and i am afraid of those who would not get along with my friends and will say something bad about my friends and those that my family may not like or who may say something bad about my family then i will have to defend my family from the loose disrespectful tongue of this person i may really really be nervous about having my beliefs questioned of having a human who i have not grown up with challenge all that i have worked so long and hard to figure out what i believe.

“I beleive in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth”…this line has been drilled to me since 5th Grade when we have to memorize and recite it for Ms. Nelson… we used to call her “Horseface Nellie” …children can be so mean.

“Create in me a clean heart O Lord, and renew thy spirit within me”…we sang this all the time in our youth, especially at school wide Mass.

I beleive in God, the Father Almighty and I beleive Him to be Creator of Heaaven and Earth. I beleive that God is Love and that Love is God. God is true giving not of material possessions but of energy and Time. God is Truth and Truth is God.

Then why is it so hard for me to talk to him.

I start off as we were taught as kids… “Dear God, you are the Almighty, Creator or Heaven and Earth…” then this opening line usually melds into a medley of childhood hymns. Follow up line being something like “Thank you for giving me this morning…”, “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord…”, “There is a flag flowing high..” And this generally ends up in self chastistement of  “You idiot, you have gotten so caaught up in remixing Christian hymns that you totally forgot the purpose of this requested appointment with God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and….THERE YOU gO AGAIN!”

I remember one Christian peer suggested I talk to God as I would my friend then I would totally get carried away in apologizing as I would end up cursing all the time to emphasize my main points. That approach was no good either. Then another approach was to start out blessing all my loves…but then I never knew where to stop …and I felt bad if I blessed a husband and not the wife, blessed a boyfriend, but not his parents, blessed an aount but not her dog…

My newest approach is God as a Power which use to unleash to take away or take care of burdens ot to bing spirits of evil and negativity. In all my life this is the only approach that has seemed to stick because in this way, rather than feeling like I would have to sit in aa quiet room for an allotted time everyday to try to force a connection with God, I find that I talk to him all time now. “God, I travel today, I loose you to bind any negative spirit of anxiety and if it so enters my mind and has my stomach knots I pray that you cart it away from me and my being so that I may focus on all that is necessary to make this journey as smooth as possible. I pray yu bind any spirit of evil trying to overtake my family and send your warrior angels to flank them as you always have. I pray you protect my friends and cocoon them from their worry. I thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me and in years past I have been grateful and have asked you for intangibles. This year  I ask you for a tangible, please show me  a light or sign as to where next to go with my life. Also, please have people give me giftwraapped presents, with or without cards. Thank youf ro listening God. Talk to you soon…….

I beleive in You, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and Earth…”