What should I be doing? What should I be doing? Planning? Putting things together? Piecing together event projects like pieces of a lego puzzle. Finding the people who can do each piece – placing here and there to become who they want to become.

At what point do you realize that you are no longer interested in what you have been doing – and that it may be time to move on – that God will keep you afloat and that the time is ripe to dive in. That maybe you should thank those that have been with you for the past couple of years for their love and support and concentrate on doing whatever it is brings out the best in you.

What should I be doing?

I should be given $10,000 to plan a wonderful showcase of up and coming artists and have a faabulous mentor to guide me in the process. That is what I should be doing.

I should be writing a book, not a novel, but a book and linking it to who I am while making it relevant for so many.

What am I good at doing? Being inviting, being warm and writing – it is time to do what I should be doing. It is time to dive in.

My friend Beth had dropped her cell phone in toilet water/puddle water at least 3 times – lucky for her she has always been a big beleiver in shelling out $ for insurance for these kind of disasters. So I have never tried the techniques below, but when your cell is wet and you have no insurance, this is a good “what if” article and video to have around.

This article and video is by Joshua Fruhlinger

http://www.switched.com/2007/08/15/how-to-save-a-wet-cell-phone/

I could start by saying Have you ever been…? or Has it ever happened that..? or Do you know the feeling of…?

It would be redundant thing, a reach for a connection, for empathy, for someone else to read this and nod their head mentally… I know in my head that my experience is not unique. What I hope is that someone will teach me how to grieve…

It has been one year and still I have not grieved properly for a brutal ending to a two year on and off relationship… the most intense human connection I had ever experienced… one where I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped answering the phone and started operating on autopilot. A relationship where I shared everything, all walls were down, all chains removed. A relationship where I opened up my personal space, my refrigerator and my wallet and my bed… one where I cooked and took care of his younger siblings one where I opened up my heart to care for people he cared for, people I didn’t care to care for…

It has been one year and I beleive I am fine but I am not sure how fine I am as I have not seen him since we have broken up, seen him in his new lifestyle, his new woman, his new friends. I am an expert at being fine, at being busy enough to not think about it and having enough friends to be able to totally ignore the situation.

I am a fool.

Only a fool thinks that they are fine when they have not grieved over a break-up. This was a relationship that I was willing to go the distance for, even if it was long distance I was ready, even if it meant going months for not seeing him, even if it meant putting my money towards a travel fund I would do it. If it meant getting along with his family I knew tolerated me because of him. 

It was an uneven a match if there ever was one. 

And I the hopeful optimist thought that if he loved me and I loved him then that was enough…that was enough for a decision.

I need to grieve for this one, adequately and totally. If someone knows, teach me how to slow down to grieve…