Sanpixee the Alien: Writing is My Sex?
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Writing is my sex, my drug, my intimacy, my sports, my favorite time of day, my long warm bath, my plush bed. It is as much my safe cave as my reckless open air. Writing is to me what pilots talk about when they lift off into the sky into the “Big Blue” – where they are light and free – and all they can see and think about is the air all around them so do I lift off into a world where worlds flow all around me, a room of language where I can curl up and just be.
I will ride this writing phase out like a drug high, not really able to predict when I come down, but will use it to channel oft dormant parts of my being right out into the open, expelling it into a ruthless world for it to be dissected and scrutinized, where it can lay gasping for air like a fish who jumped out of its tank onto hardwood floor, knowing that an irreversible decision has been made.
This is my talk, my communication, when I feel most alive apart from dancing… the verbal I am not so good at, but the written I love. It is my intimacy, my language of love, my highest form of expression – it is all encompassing or everything remotely talented that I can acknowledge. A gift for language, sentence construction and the ability to infuse each combination with my sense of humour and self deprecation. It is always hard for me to talk about what I love doing – and it often comes out unconvincing as this is such a private affair, a secret kept between me and wordpress, often taken advantage of in moments if insomnia. Today I have been awake since 5:45 AM, maybe earlier but I just gave up and took out my computer hoping to yet again bore my brain to sleep.
In much the same way as my body has kept me home the past couple days due to its need to expel toxins is in the same way I feel my writing expels mental toxins, a healthy way of mind renewal, a way of regrouping and assessment. Many people can go from event to event without stopping to assess, to renew, to check in with self – for me it is vital, necessary replenishment in order for me to conduct any further social interaction.
I praise God for this gift and accept it willingly. I also hope I can fall asleep soon.
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Try this one and see how you feel:
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Sanpixee The Alien: Beyonce’s “Halo”
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Remember those walls I built
Well baby they’re tumbling down
They didnt even put up a fight
They didnt even make a sound…
There are no apologies for feelings… as there is no control over feelings unless Mr. Miyagi is your teacher. Although I could quote Confucious or one of his friends, there is nothing more raw, more honest and more applicable than this song I heard yesterday….
The risk that I’m taking
I’m never gonna shut you out…
Although the male species never stop fascinating me and holding my attention – my attitude towards them is one of two extremes. Either I really love them because of their physicality or I am completely indifferent towards them as a species. In my self therapy sessions I have found this gnawing thought: that I am not really capable of feeling sympathy, empathy or compassion towards men because within myself I do not beleive that men have emotions.
This is not bragging or arrogance but more like an admission, a confession, the unmasking of a fatal thought process.
In fact I think I more view males as transient “here-today-gone-tomorrow” beings, good to hang out with, have a bunch of laughs with but who will inexplicably leave my life as a result of distance, time or one of us getting into a relationship. Though I have male friends since young days, only one or two I would say are my bonafide hardcore friends. My father is very present in my life but has only recently become emotionally available which has led me to further self-diagnosis – I feel the need to take aloofness and emotional distance from men as signs of “something-to-work-on”, “something-to-stick-around-for” as this is a person who may actually be screaming on the inside for love, someone who may have missed formative years of social development and emotional regulation – someone who needs my patience and non-nagging. Chris Rock in his latest comedy special states that the best phrase a woman can hear from a man is “I ain’t going nowhere.” I have heard this once.
Remember those walls I built…
If I could count the many men who have told me that they could never know what I was thinking. Many times I wanted so bad to tell them, but I was so unpracticed and so nervous that it would come out like a pile of gibberish. Pen and paper being my most effective means of communication, which 17 year old boy could you imagine accepting 5 pages of prose with quotes from obscure writers and weird trivia as a profession of like for him? Not anyone I knew. And so after each inevitable transient being, I locked my main means of communication farther and farther away from the males, thereby distancing myself into oblivion, and right now I see them as penises and nice smells who I pray do not overstay their welcome.
Well baby they’re tumbling down…
The rawness of this song and the accompanying video completely took me off guard, until I nearly started crying. The intense intimacy of this video was so real and no-one was half naked, no jiggling bottoms up and down, no fancy dance number but it captured intimacy in its purest form. For 3 minutes and 44 seconds I sat with my jaw open, as living a life saturated with sex and sexuality everywhere from menus, radio and television advertisements, pure adult human connection portrayed by the media is rare. In fact, the key to why I am such a fan of this video is that there was no cheap intimacy indicators – no kissing, no half-nakedness in bed, no ecstatic wide-open mouths AND I LOVED IT.
There are many of us who are oversexed and underloved, those of us who need reminders of intimacy, those of who have screwed for like, screwed for love, screwed for pleasure and are just over it. I fact this video comes on the heels of when I have been considering going celibate as sex has brought nothing but confusion into my life for the past year, sometimes a fake joy, but more stupid decisions than one person needs.
And here comes Beyonce, with her blue-eyed man looking at her like she is a crown jewel, reaching for her while he is asleep. I want that, need that and deserve that… I need to untwist my brain to re-understand my understanding of the males. Thanks to whoever is responsible for the concept , creation, editing, cinematography and casting of this video.
Here is the link:
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Sanpixee The Alien: The Break-Up
I could start by saying Have you ever been…? or Has it ever happened that..? or Do you know the feeling of…?
It would be redundant thing, a reach for a connection, for empathy, for someone else to read this and nod their head mentally… I know in my head that my experience is not unique. What I hope is that someone will teach me how to grieve…
It has been one year and still I have not grieved properly for a brutal ending to a two year on and off relationship… the most intense human connection I had ever experienced… one where I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped answering the phone and started operating on autopilot. A relationship where I shared everything, all walls were down, all chains removed. A relationship where I opened up my personal space, my refrigerator and my wallet and my bed… one where I cooked and took care of his younger siblings one where I opened up my heart to care for people he cared for, people I didn’t care to care for…
It has been one year and I beleive I am fine but I am not sure how fine I am as I have not seen him since we have broken up, seen him in his new lifestyle, his new woman, his new friends. I am an expert at being fine, at being busy enough to not think about it and having enough friends to be able to totally ignore the situation.
I am a fool.
Only a fool thinks that they are fine when they have not grieved over a break-up. This was a relationship that I was willing to go the distance for, even if it was long distance I was ready, even if it meant going months for not seeing him, even if it meant putting my money towards a travel fund I would do it. If it meant getting along with his family I knew tolerated me because of him.
It was an uneven a match if there ever was one.
And I the hopeful optimist thought that if he loved me and I loved him then that was enough…that was enough for a decision.
I need to grieve for this one, adequately and totally. If someone knows, teach me how to slow down to grieve…
Sanpixee the Alien: Madonna The Artist
When the world know you by one word, not a pesky surname, hyphenated name or the gross middle name – you are one step ahead in terms of social evolution.
I am not a superfan who can name every song ever produced, how many chart topping singles she has churned out and how many charities she donates to. I cannot neither give you details as to where I was when (insert some significant Madonna moment here) nor can I recite her birthplace and birthdate to you.
However, I can confidently say that Madonna is the M.A.N. I recently learned how tiny she was, not much over 5 feet I beleive, so how is it that this human, when the other billion of us are insignificant, how is this human able to make herself known, more ubiquitous than the golden arches of McDonalds? Madonna is the M.A.N.
Morphing from blonde to brunette to black….we have seen Madonna commit what to other people, not only artists but what other people would consider social suicide. Not only has she changed hair color but also music genre, religion, speech patterns and sexuality in seamless a way as to appear unapologetic.
It is easy to see why those of weaker will have deitized her. This is because Madonna is the M.A.N.
Can you have it all though? Someone in Madonna’s shoes must be sacrificing some part of normal social development in order to remain relevant for over three decades. Is Madonna able to keep a man? Maintain a normal functioning relationship? She is an evolved being, well aware of her likes and dislikes, able to articulate her needs and is able to influence her environment to bend to her will. Is such a being who is so used to self sufficiency and able to sustain its own wants and needs – is that being capable of codependency? Is Madonna a man and woman combined, the perfect marriage and expression of male and female halves in one being? Is she as unneeding of an intimate relationship with another in the same way a biodome needs no sunlight?
For someone like her, one would think you would have to transcend sex and sexulaity and intimacy to become abstinent or otherwise a creature with a voracious sexual appetite, unable to be sated by one mere mortal man. We already know that Madonna once embraced her sexual appetite during the times when the published her coffee table sexuality book “Erotica”. But where is she now though? At 50, she has spawned 2 children, a couple husbands and about 5 generations of human beings on all the continents are familiar with who she is. Does she still have sex? Is it for pleasure, pain or play…because I doubt it is for love. For a creature as self sufficient as Madonna, it must be hard to love another being unconditionally, submit totally to love the emotion, the ultimate task to love another being above herself. Also, it must be easy to confuse the euphoric love, the symbiotic relationship she has with her fans with pure, unconditional love. While it is easy to think that someone like Madonna has it all, she may not. No human being does. We are all striving to have it all while giving up something – all of us, no exceptions… Superevolved Madonna is still the M.A.N.
It appears that right now she may just grow a dick and suck it herself.
Sanpixee The Alien: WordPress
I am here pressing out some words,
Ironing under the cuff
Dusting off hyperbole
Speaking in the buff
Alliterating alliterations
Squishing together nouns and verbs
Finding what pairs well with articles
Not trying nothing grammatic wrong
Finding what works on paper
Rolls off my tongue
Drips off the back of my medulla
Uninfluenced by rum
Just here pressing out some words
Always excited by languages
Seeking a poet or wondrous muse
Stimulate my senses.
Sanpixee the Alien: Steak!
I had THE BEST steak recently at Uncle Jack’s Steakhouse – 34th & 9th, NYC. Why is this a postworthy subject????
a) I am not an avid fan of red meat. But how can one go to a highly rated steakhouse to not have what they are famous for?
b) The Maitre D was a middle aged, plump gay man with highlighted bangs (a fruitless attempt to cover his bald spot) so it was hard to take him seriously when he asked if I would like the juicy and flavorful STRIP or lean and tender SIRLOIN….
c) I had to EAT my words as the well-done strip I had was indeed juicy and flavorful
d) AND, AND, AND….the WHOLE ENTIRE meal from appetizers to dessert was a taste explosion all around, a beautiful blend of flavors and aromas that totally make me forget that the meat will be in my system until Memorial Day.
e) Waitstaff was WONDERFUL, shout outs to the Maitre D, very friendly and attentive!!!
As soon as I find someone else willing to buy me a wonderful dinner, I will be going back!!
Sanpixee The Alien: Prayer
“I beleive in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth”…this line has been drilled to me since 5th Grade when we have to memorize and recite it for Ms. Nelson… we used to call her “Horseface Nellie” …children can be so mean.
“Create in me a clean heart O Lord, and renew thy spirit within me”…we sang this all the time in our youth, especially at school wide Mass.
I beleive in God, the Father Almighty and I beleive Him to be Creator of Heaaven and Earth. I beleive that God is Love and that Love is God. God is true giving not of material possessions but of energy and Time. God is Truth and Truth is God.
Then why is it so hard for me to talk to him.
I start off as we were taught as kids… “Dear God, you are the Almighty, Creator or Heaven and Earth…” then this opening line usually melds into a medley of childhood hymns. Follow up line being something like “Thank you for giving me this morning…”, “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord…”, “There is a flag flowing high..” And this generally ends up in self chastistement of “You idiot, you have gotten so caaught up in remixing Christian hymns that you totally forgot the purpose of this requested appointment with God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and….THERE YOU gO AGAIN!”
I remember one Christian peer suggested I talk to God as I would my friend then I would totally get carried away in apologizing as I would end up cursing all the time to emphasize my main points. That approach was no good either. Then another approach was to start out blessing all my loves…but then I never knew where to stop …and I felt bad if I blessed a husband and not the wife, blessed a boyfriend, but not his parents, blessed an aount but not her dog…
My newest approach is God as a Power which use to unleash to take away or take care of burdens ot to bing spirits of evil and negativity. In all my life this is the only approach that has seemed to stick because in this way, rather than feeling like I would have to sit in aa quiet room for an allotted time everyday to try to force a connection with God, I find that I talk to him all time now. “God, I travel today, I loose you to bind any negative spirit of anxiety and if it so enters my mind and has my stomach knots I pray that you cart it away from me and my being so that I may focus on all that is necessary to make this journey as smooth as possible. I pray yu bind any spirit of evil trying to overtake my family and send your warrior angels to flank them as you always have. I pray you protect my friends and cocoon them from their worry. I thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me and in years past I have been grateful and have asked you for intangibles. This year I ask you for a tangible, please show me a light or sign as to where next to go with my life. Also, please have people give me giftwraapped presents, with or without cards. Thank youf ro listening God. Talk to you soon…….
I beleive in You, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and Earth…”
Sanpixee the Alien: Man from Mars
The Man from Mars is on my mind,
The Man from Mars with beautiful hair, beautiful mouth and a beautiful beautiful.
As complicated as he is, he is still a man, nothing complicated there. He is complicated as he complicates me, turns what should be one sentence into a convoluted paragraph, my inner monologue into an entire play. Makes me second guess my guesses, question my questions and has drained me of all declarative statements. I hate this fucker with a passion, and no I am not talking about his beautiful mouth which I adore, his beautiful smile and eyes or even his beautiful beautiful. I speak of the way he drains me of my 20+ years of expensive first world education, and the many self affirmations drilled into my being by Ms. Angelou, Ms. Walker and Ms. Winfrey.
He watches me walk like a predator and I come to him willing like prey, welcoming sweet death as he kisses my shoulders, cups my breasts and glides into me in one seamless motion. The Man from Mars is the man I hate, the man I hate because I know I must run now to save my life to save all I am, to save my eloquence and my poise, to maintain the barbed fences which guard my core. And here I must stop writing to wait…as he circles me again, watching, smiling, silently laughing, knowing I am definitely his to kill again and again and again…
